Fallen Angels
by djchika
Summary: Set a few years in the future, how the gang's lives would have turned out if things had gone differently. Mostly Cordy/Angel


Title: Fallen Angels   
Author: djchika   
Notes: Takes place a few years in the future. Catatonic Cor never made an appearance and the guys never found out about the MIRs and CAT scan stuff.   
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made  
  
When I was little my mama would always come into my room right before I went to sleep, a story book in hand. It was the only thing I liked about the day ending, Mama coming into my room, tucking me in and sitting down on the rocking chair next to my bed. I always loved her bedtime stories. She always made sure that the there were heroes and princesses in the stories she read to me. The heroes would rescue the princesses and the princesses would be twirling their hair waiting for their heroes to arive. It was the end part that I liked most, because the hero and the princess always, always lived happily ever after.   
  
I've met the heroes, I've seen the princess but no happily ever after. I guess that's why they're called fairytales.  
  
"Fred, which one?"  
  
I tear my gaze away from the little girl's Beauty and the Beast back pack and focus on the woman in front of me. Cordelia was holding up a bunch of nice looking dresses. Cocktail dresses, they were called, for drinking cocktails. It's odd how they're called cocktails. I don't think they use rooster tails in the drinks and I'd rather not think of what else could be used if it isn't roosters.   
  
"Fred?"  
  
I give my head a slight shake to clear it. "Maybe you should try them on, see how they look." I suggest.  
  
She nods and gives me a smile before taking her place in a really, really long line at a nearby fitting room.   
  
I've always liked Cordy's smile. I'm glad that she's started smiling again, but she's not really happy, and that I don't like. I could remember a time when Cordy would always be happy and she was always smiling, lighting up the hotel with its sparkle. But the hotel's gone now... and Cordy's sparkle's gone as well. No more big smiles, just small ones that never quite reach her eyes.   
  
Her eyes used to light up too.   
  
Used to, past tense as in not anymore. The light started dying when Connor died. The stupid lawyers knew to hit us where it hurt and it did hurt. A lot. It hurt all of us when they took Connor, but it destroyed Angel.   
  
Cordelia was coping, she had Angel, Connor was gone but Angel was there. Then Angel pushed her away again and again until she couldn't take it anymore, and the light just went out completely.   
  
I was there to see it too.   
  
I hate that I was there, I hate that I saw. I never meant to eavesdrop on the two of them. I swear I didn't. It was just one of those being at the right place at the right time coincidences. Only it wasn't right, it was wrong, everything went wrong...  
  
A few months had passed since Connor's death, Angel was still closing himself off and Cordy was still trying to reach out to him. It didn't help that Cordelia's visions were steadily getting worse. The guys had tried to persuade her to move into the hotel. She refused, saying something about needing her privacy and Phantom Dennis. Wes and Gunn didn't believe any of it but they agreed to a compromise which included me moving in with her. It was nice, Cordy and I really started bonding. Angel acted like he didn't care but I knew he was hurt that Cordy didn't want to live in the hotel. Cordy would have refused to believe it at the time but he still cared about her.   
  
It had happened one afternoon. I was fixing a new invention in Wesley's office when I heard them. I was just about to say 'Hi' but then I saw Angel's face and a cold shiver of fear ran up my spine.  
  
He hadn't turned into the monster... the monster doesn't scare me, but the human did right then. Cordy was behind him, following him. I couldn't hear what she was saying but she looked scared too. The look in Angel's eyes was cold, like he was out for blood, for something to kill. From the way Cordy was following him and trying to persuade him not to, I think he really was planning on killing someone.  
  
"Angel. Angel, stop. Stop!"   
  
Cordelia almost crashed into Angel when he stopped in front of the weapons cabinet. She glanced at the cabinet and then at Angel.   
  
"Go. Move. Angel!" Huffing slightly, she tried to reason with him when he opened the cabinet and started taking weapons out and putting them in a duffel bag. "So, you're just going to waltz into the building and kill them all?" She had demanded. The way her eyes narrowed when Angel continued to ignore told me that Cordy was getting mad. "You can't just charge into Wolfram and Hart!" She practically yelled at him, "You'll get yourself killed!"  
  
I jumped when Angel slams the cabinet door closed. He turned on Cordelia and glared at her. "You don't understand."  
  
"Yes, I do. You're going all beige again." Cordelia told him matter of factly. "Angel, killing them isn't going to bring him back." She added.   
  
"You don't understand," Angel turned away from her. "He wasn't yours."  
  
"Don't you dare." Cordy replied hurt and frustration seeping into her voice. "I loved Connor like he was my son."  
  
"But he wasn't. He was Darla's son."  
  
Cordy glared at Angel's back struggling to keep her temper. "You're mad, fine. We both are. We're mad, and tired and hurting but killing evil lawyers won't help. It won't bring him back." I could see Cordy's eyes glisening with unshed tears and I was surprised to find out that my eyes were wet as well.  
  
"No, it wont," Angel conceeded. "But it'll make me feel better."  
  
Cordy looked at Angel skeptically. "What about your redemption. Killing humans - no matter how evil they are - is not going to put you on the good side of the PtBs"  
  
Angel shrugged, his face a blank mask. "I don't care."  
  
"Don't say that." Cordelia glared at him angrier than I've ever seen her.   
  
"Why not?" Angel turned to face her, anger evident in his voice. "They don't care about me. Why should I work for a prize I'll be alone for anyway."  
  
"Angel, You won't be alone." Cordy looked at him, her eyes pleading with him to believe her. "You have me."  
  
I could see the pain it caused Angel to just say the words. Maybe he should have never said them at all. "I have you for the next year or so before the visions get too much for you and kill you."  
  
"They're not going to kill me." Cordelia lied, putting a hand on his arm.  
  
Angel shook Cordy's hand off. "Lorne says he knows a way to take the visions. You'll be free to go."  
  
"I'm not letting Lorne take my visions." Cordy replied her voice getting louder, concealing the hurt she was feeling, "And I am not going."  
  
"Yes you are." Angel growled at her.  
  
"So what you're firing me?" Cordelia had asked. "You can't fire me. You're not the boss anymore." She had stared at him, daring him to contradict him.   
  
It was one of those times when I knew that Cordy was going to get her way. That was how it always happened but then it didn't happen that way.   
  
Not that time.  
  
"I'm not firing you." Angel told her a quiet, painful, finality in his voice. "I'm telling you to leave. Without the visions we won't need you anymore."  
  
And in that moment when Angel said the words Cordy had always been afraid to hear, the light just died in her eyes.   
  
I could feel tears dampening my cheeks and I couldn't help but hate Angel. I hated Angel so much. Gunn still hates him for the things he said to Cordy and Wesley... Wesley's Wesley. He didn't like what Angel did but he understood. I don't think I could have forgiven Angel, I'd never be able to understand how he could do that, but I did see the way he broke down after she left. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so broken and lost.   
  
What is it about heroes always needing to be martyrs?  
  
I've often wished I could just turn back time and stop Wolfram and Hart from taking Connor, stop them from killing him. It's possible, I know it is. I have the formula for it, but it isn't something that can just be done. If I change time a whole lot of other things will change too. I don't want things to end up worse than they already are now, but I still wish, sometimes.  
  
I watch the other people in the store and I feel even sadder for Cordy. It's not fair she doesn't get to be happy. She was supposed to be happy, they were supposed to be happy, it's not fair. My eyes travel around the store and as if on cue I see him.   
  
Angel.  
  
He's standing partially behind a display of a green mosnter, a princess, a donkey and a really short man. He's just staring at the fitting room Cordy went into. I've seen Angel around before stalking Cordy, and I know Cordy know,s but I never say a thing. That's the way they like it. I've never interfered before but I need to now. I'm not sure why but I know this is the time.   
  
I square my shoulders and walk towards Angel. I can see the panic in his eyes when he realizes I'm actually coming, breaking the unspoken rule. He tries to leave but I reach his hiding place before he can go.  
  
"Hey, Fred." He greets me awkwardly. It never fails to amaze me how a champion like Angel could seem so much like an awkward teenager sometimes. I take a deep breath and brace myself for the forbidden talk I'm about to initiate.   
  
"Please, don't."   
  
Damnit. The two quiet words that came out of my mouth weren't exactly the words I wanted to start with. It was too late to take them back now.  
  
"Don't what?" Angel asks confused and just a little bit wary.  
  
"Don't keep on doing this." I tell him, my voice a little louder, a little stronger. I still can't seem to look him in the face though. "Cordelia knows you come. She just won't allow herself to acknowledge it. She can't. Not if this is going to end up like it did the last time. Angel, she's happy." I add before he can defend himself. He gives me a hurt look and my resolve wavers. I hate that I'm hurting Angel but I need to do this, no one else can. "She's happy," I repeat trying to look for the courage to go on. "It's not like before, it's never like before. But she is happy."   
  
I look away from the hurt, haunted look in his eyes. It's not fair that they're in so much pain. It used to be moira between the two of them. Now it's just... meyla. Two souls hurting so much because they can't be with one another.  
  
"My soul's permanent." His voice was so soft I barely heard him.  
  
My eyes dart back to his and the hug I give him surprises him but he accepts it. "That's great, but how?" I ask as I pull away.  
  
"According to Lorne it's been permanent for a long time." Angel tries to act nonchlantly but I can almost feel the pain and anger emanating off him. "The Powers didn't think I was fit to find out at the time."  
  
A surge of anger goes through me and I get an almost irrepressible urge to search for these powers and kick the crap out of them. "How long?" I ask sure that I'm not going to like the answer.  
  
"After Darla."  
  
I stare at him in shock for a moment which quickly turns to sadness. Sadness for him, for Cordy, for Connor. Damn those powers. A thought crosses my mind. "Are you going to tell her?"  
  
He glances at the fitting room and I take a quick look to make sure Cordy isn't done yet.  
  
"No, I'm not going to."  
  
I turn back to Angel angry that he's being dumb. "Why not?"  
  
"You said it yourself, she's happy. If I tell her she's going to hope. I can't take her back." His eyes wander back to the fitting room. "It won't be fair to her, I can't make her happy.  
  
At stare at the stupidness that was my hero. "She was happy, Angel. She was happy before, with you. You're the only one who thought she wasn't."  
  
"Will you tell her?" He asks his gaze never leaving the fitting room.  
  
I shake my head. "It's not my place." Angel looks relieved and disappointed at the same time, I watch him thoughtfully and decide to lay the final blow, not entirely sure what I want to accomplish. "She's getting married."  
  
He looks at me in shock and pain but recovers quickly, putting on the mask he thinks he wears so well. "That's great." He says tonelessly. I can't help but think that Angel was hoping that Cordy would wait, that she wouldn't move on. It's selfish of him, but that's Angel, just like Cordy he can be completely selfish and selfless at the same time.  
  
"It's good." I correct him. "He makes her smile, makes her forget, even for a while but he can't make her happy. He knows it, she knows it but it's good coz at least she doesn't hurt anymore." I finish irrationally angry at Angel, angry at the powers, angry at the whole thing.  
  
"She doesn't hurt," Angel repeats "Not like when she was with me." He doesn't even bother to act like he doesn't care anymore. Turning to walk away he adds quietly. "At least someday she can be happy"  
  
"She had every chance to be happy with you," I reply. I could feel my eyes dampening feeling the pain that Cordy and Angel must have felt, must still be feeling. "You just didn't want to believe it was possible."  
  
He doesn't even turn around, doesn't even acknowledge that he heard. I watch him as he walks away. The Angel who saved me from Pylea wasn't what I saw. He was no longer the hero, not quite a man, a fallen angel. Him and Cordy. Maybe someday they'll find a way to fly again.  
  
End. 


End file.
